We're Going on a Bear Hunt

Maybe it's a not a BEAR hunt, but I am hunting.  I'm hunting for "me".   

Side-bar:  I wouldn't really call this a mid-life crisis, as I'm only 30.  Maybe a mid-mid life crisis?

In the story, dad takes the kids for a trek through the woods to find a bear, chanting "we're not scared!" the whole way.  Along the way they run into obstacles...like the grass, then the forest, then a river, and they finally reach the cave...where they actually find the bear.  Now they run away from the bear back home.  I guess dad really never imagined they'd FIND one!

I have a million things on my plate right now...and I rarely feel like I'm doing any of them well (or at least at a 100%), but part of me yearns for the crafty, artsy, free side of me that I think is buried deep.

Just today I have made goals of sewing my girl some cute summer dresses after seeing some adorable items on blogs and uh-hmm, Pinterest. (Hello, my name is Kayla and I'm addicted to Pinterest).  In my head I said, "Oh man!  I can totally make that! And cheaper too!"  We'll see...I own a sewing machine so how hard can it be? :)  Obstacle #1...I own no patterns or REAL sewing skills.  Just what I've taught myself.

Just today I have been plotting my summer with my kiddos, telling myself I was finally going to be prepared for the day in and day out of being home with them again.   Obstacle #2...Mr. Kindergartener will be in Summer School for part of it.

Just today I have planned to do many wonderful and new things!  Obstacle #3...I have a million things on my plate right now...and I rarely feel like I'm doing any of them well (or at least at a 100%).  I know my house is not spic and span.  I know I have clothes that need to be washed (or rewashed...I think I left a load in the washer. :(  Ooops.)  I know I have papers to grade.  I know I need to...And the list goes on.

But part of me yearns for the crafty, artsy, free side of me that I think is buried deep.  Deep in that bear cave.

And my bear is there too...hibernating.  It's waiting to be jarred back to life.

I've seen other moms find their "bear in the cave" and I rejoice for them!  I want to find something I enjoy doing just for fun, maybe for others, maybe for my kids, maybe for my husband and maybe just for me.  They inspire me to pull up my bear hunting boots and set out on an adventure!  Oh, and like this dad, my kids are definitely coming with me on this adventure! 

I'm on a hunt for who I am and who I'd like to be. 

I don't plan on finding the "cave" tonight, or even tomorrow.

But hopefully I can awaken the bear soon. 

Little Blessings

Today after school I stumbled upon a blog (I'm a blog junkie...).  I was on one blog reading a recipe for Pollo Fundido and happily planning our supper.  Over to the right I saw a link for "Praying for Jonah" with a precious little boy's picture.  I was intrigued so I clicked on it. 

I read about Jonah turning four and applauded their parenting skills to "raise up a child".  I read "Our Story" and smiled, cried and sighed deep sighs. 

I clicked on "EB's Sweeties" and found even more children or families effected by this painful disease, that five minutes before I had never heard of. 

My heart hurt for these parents and kids who suffer daily.  My head felt guilty for my "ho-hum, grouchy" day.  My arms ached for the hugs from my own precious ones waiting for my day to be done.

I thank God for my ornery babies that leave their toys everywhere, spill their drink on the freshly cleaned couch, who steal my phone from the charger before my alarm goes off and who smear grimy hand prints on my clothes....because they are here...healthy, happy, and energetic. 

Click here to read Jonah's story.

I, too, and praying for Jonah.  Won't you? 

One Year Anniversary

I remember the feeling of driving away from St. Mary's Hospital around this exact time with many emotions.  Mama had just passed away at 2:45 pm (Feb. 29th), with us all gathered around her ICU bed, holding hands and quietly getting to say our goodbyes.  The ICU nurse turned off her monitor and stood, almost invisible, as she silently turned down her oxygen level little by little.  We knew it would be quick, but we were shocked at just HOW quick our little wife, mama, grandma, sister and friend slipped from this life into the next.  We left the room while they prepared her to leave, returned to gain a few final moments with her and then packed up our belongings...all 2 weeks worth...and piled into cars.

So many emotions...I wanted to be strong for my kids and Daddy as we drove home.  I wanted to weep and wail over my mama's passing.  I wanted to rejoice that she was no longer lieing in a hospital bed hooked up to four chest tubes, a ventilator and whatever else they had run in her.  I wanted to scream at the cars happily zooming by when I felt like I was moving at a snail's pace.

More than anything, I wanted to scream.  It wasn't fair that the whole world kept turning when I wanted it to stand still.  Every person kept right on functioning and going about their business oblivious to my family's pain.

Even then, I knew how ridiculous I sounded.  How could the speeding car next to me know that my spirited mama just stepped into Heaven?  How could they know the hurt I was feeling so deeply?

But all that didn't really matter then.

Speed ahead 365 days...Today I fought that same urge to scream "Do you not know what today means to my family?" Of course the friendly cashier girl doesn't know.  Of course the talkative third graders didn't know.  I realize this.  And no, noeone got screamed at today. :)  

And just like a year ago, I cried.   Today I cried tears of remembrance.  Today I held back tears of gratitude as countless people remembered me as they walked by...some with unshed tears brimming in their eyes.   I've been labeled an avoider (I took a test...it's very accurate. ) :)  I avoid confrontation. I avoid uncomfortable situations.  I even avoid grief at times.  However, I gladly embrace the love and smiles from friends and family who understand our tough day, who has experienced themselves, and who just loved my mama like they love their own.

I do not write this to receive sympathy.  I am not "avoiding" sadness, just expressing my feelings and gratitude for those who have lifted my family in prayers over the last year.  I'm certain we can never express to you just how grateful we are for them.

Tonight, we will go to daddy's, cry a few tears over our loss but mainly rejoice in her healing and reward because it's what she would want.  She always said she just wanted her babies home with her. Tonight we'll all be home.  One day, we'll all join her in our Heavenly Home.

Look for me, mama.  For I will be there too. Click on the "look for me" to hear a song.

Blog Balm

Sometimes, most of the time, others can say it so much better than I can.

Usually when I'm down in the dumps, I read blogs.  I never even knew what a blog was or how to find one a few years ago, but now I roll in them, enjoying the shared moments of mommyhood with others.  After my "Miss Kennedy" blog last night I read this one this morning and it soothed my soul because, WOW! That's me! (almost even down to the age thing!!) 

Click below on Little Miss Momma's link and hopefully she will remind you that the "we" is so much better than the "me".

The Best of Life - Mommy Tales, My Life, Real Life - Little Miss Momma

Miss Kennedy

She's silly and loads of fun.

Bedtime is hard all of a sudden.
Church is excruciating.
Cleaning the house is hopeless.
Shopping excursions are painful.

Need I go on?  Miss Kennedy, as she's been called while still in vetro, is a handful!  She is stubborn, curious, strong willed and majorly independent.

I love her to death and can rarely stay "angry" with her for more than a few seconds because of her bouncing curls and mischevious smile, but GOOD GRIEF!



Yes, I'm sure my patience is a problem.  The here-and-now (messy house, screaming in church, etc...) is a problem.  But I don't think it's the MAIN problem.

So, what is the main problem??  Here we go.  I live in fear that my children will turn out to be wild hooligans that people will look at us and say "Holy cow.  What did you do to them!?"  Now I realize this is probably irrational, but to my irrational self, it makes perfect sense.  A mother's job is, truly, never done.

Whoever said parenting wasn't easy, was right!  Not only is it not easy, it is HARD.  We are constantly teaching, learning, experimenting, failing, succeeding and redoing.  We are cleaning, picking up and loving.  We are chasing, scrubbing, soothing and bathing. 

I know that the time we invest in their lives during these years will return to us, ten fold.  So, we must push on.  We have no other choice.  We WANT to push on....because we love our kiddos and care about their futures.

One day I know I will look back and never remember these years. I'm sure Jackson was just as trying, but the details are fuzzy. (Thank goodness! There's hope!) I know these years pass quickly, so "this too shall pass".

So tonight, I will go in and lay my hands on her after she's FINALLY gotten on that dreamland train and pray for guidance on how to raise this rambunctious child.  I don't want to break her...she'll need that fiery spirit one day.  I just want to do the best I can with her to prepare her for that day.

She really is beautiful...inside and out.

 

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."  Proverbs 22:6

 

 

To My Man

We've been married seven years, together for much longer, but you still amaze me. 

At times I want to ring your neck.  Like when you ALWAYS drop your clothes by the bed and leave them there until I say, "Whatever is dirty, put it in the hamper if you want it washed".  Or when I say "Look at that!" and you take 15 seconds to turn your head.  I just don't get the slow reaction! :)

Other times I want stand and applaud you for what a great husband and daddy you are to me and our wee ones.  Like when you start a water fight with the garden hose because Kennedy's expression is priceless and you want to see how long she'll take it.  Or when Jackson falls down and screams "I want daddy!" while I try to console him, to no avail.  Or when you do silly things in an emergency hospital room while we sit losing our second precious Heaven-baby to make me laugh uncontrollably to try and forget about the trauma for a little bit.  You are also a really good hug-giver and tear-wiper.  We've had it all.

You've had to wear many hats.  You've been good at all of them.  And you keep finding new ones! 

Thanks for loving me, making a special home for us, and for stepping up to the plate when I just had to stay down for awhile.  I think you're pretty great.

A Page is Turned

We made it!  We're in tact!  We didn't fall apart!  The countdown is almost over!  Oh the joy of reuniting our family after 4 1/2 months of chaos!

There were a few times I wasn't sure we would make it.
There were a few times when I thought I might go crazy.
There were a few times when I wanted to throw in the towel, lock the doors behind us and just run away with the kids in the back seat jamming to Veggie Tales.

Obviously, everything worked out and we are turning the page to another chapter of our little lives.  To me, the page is blank. White.  But to God, it's written in bold, black ink.  He knows the very next steps our family will take.  The people we will meet.  The road we will walk down. 

And for that, I am thankful.