It nestles down deep, getting comfortable.
It waits for the right moment to strike.
And when it does, you know it's been there the whole time.
This new feeling of loneliness is not my friend. The sleepliness nights. The dreams. The shaky feeling inside. The tears sitting just behind my eyelashes. The stomach pain. The knot in my throat. The silent screams that reside in my head.
In the room with 2 or 100 people, I still feel lonely.
With others who share their story of their own loss, I still feel lonely.
With others who truly want to help, I still feel lonely.
Especially when I turn out the lights and crawl in bed, I am wrapped in loneliness.
As I type this I know I sound crazy, ready for the institution really. But I'm not. I am finally grieving. I grieve over the loss of a church home, my comfortable family unit, my job and my beloved mama.
Sometimes I stare blankly through people and don't even know it until it's time to add my two cents to the conversation and then I'm scrambling. Sometimes I clench my teeth together so tightly my jaw hurts. Sometimes I abruptly end conversations because I'm about to bust out into tears, and I'm not comfortable there. Sometimes I so DESPERATELY need to talk, I call 14 people in a row just to say "Hi, umm...no, I didn't really need anything."
Nights are hard. Church is hard. Home is hard. Riding in the car is hard. Being together is hard. Being apart is worse.
I remember saying just a few months ago how easy life has been for me. Just like everyone, we've had our sad times. When we lost our first baby in a miscarriage, I knew God was carrying me. He had a greater purpose. Truly, I have been able to lend an empathetic ear to other hurting mamas. My glass is always half full or better yet, overflowing. But now I'm struggling. I KNOW I'm still beyond blessed. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, I think it stings worse. I'm used to happy. I'm not callused. Thankfully, my heart is pretty smooth.
I know He's carrying me now too. It's just the process. So, I wait.
Kayla I'm reading your words and nodding but also thankful (not that you are going through this but that the feelings that I have are "normal"). I understand all those feelings cause I am having them too. There are numerous things I could say, but they are things you already know. I want to tell you that 2 months away from my dad being gone 2 whole years that I don't still have those same feelings but I can't, I can tell you that it won't be every minute, hour, day, night, week, etc. The spans of time will get a little longer and a little longer where you won't feel this way and you'll realize that you won't remember when you felt that way last, then it'll happen again but it won't last forever. I've been missing my dad a lot the last week or so, one day it's awful and the next not so bad...you'll always feel that missing piece but you will also be able to enjoy too. I also find myself missing my church family and home, I love you all so much!
ReplyDeletePrayers friend. You know me well and you know I understand this, too. But you are deeply loved and I pray you feel it deeply. This season will pass.
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