Tick Tock, Goes the Clock

Everyone keeps asking "How much longer?" 

I never have the right days, weeks or even months to tell them.  Counting days is too hard! 

So, today I sit and try to figure out exactly how many more...

* 17 more days to teach at my sweet elementary school

* 17 days before I turn my little ducklings free to become "too cool" 4th graders

* 5 days until we wrestle 175 third graders through the gates of a Springfield Cardinals game and remind 175 kids NOT to pick the grass on the field

* 4 more Sundays of driving back from a united weekend

* 4 more weekends of living with our parents

* 4 more weekends of scattering my kids' clothes here, there and yonder

* 30 more days until we (supposedly) close on our FIRST home!

* 30 more days until Jeremy has a massive coronary from signing our lives away! (okay, not funny...but kinda)

* 30 more days of packing up a home (oy vay!) and only 17 more to pack up a classroom and move it to storage!

* 110 days until I start teaching at my old stomping ground of California

* 110 days until we HAVE to have another babysitter (sniff!)

* 3 1/2 more weeks of missing Sunday and Wednesday night service at LBC

Wow!

Some numbers are staggering.  Others are exciting.  Some I want to make time stand still.  Others I want to spur along.

So many changes, all measured by time.

We've got this.  It's already been 94 days since everything changed.  Pfft-we're on the downhill slide!

And you know what?  We're okay.

That's What Friends are For

I believe God is trying to mold me into the type of friend I see around me.  He is humbling me by putting obstacles in my path where I need others.  He is showing me how to see beyond myself.

At first I thought, "Wow...these people must love me so much!  All I have to do is ask and they rescue me!"

Now I think, "Ouch...would I be so kind and giving?  I hope so.  I want to be."

For example...hmmm-where does one start?  This lesson has been repeated many times in my life. 

• Let me start with the birth of our first son.  Our next door neighbor/dear friend that I still cling to (Bonnie, please never tire of me!) came and cleaned our house, took out the trash and even sorted the recycling while we were at the hospital!  All we asked for her to do was let out the dog!  She went above and beyond and it's something I will never forget.  She saw what needed to be done, and she did it.
• Family has cleaned an apartment, a duplex and a house, moved our little family 3, almost 4 times in the 7 years we've been married.  That deserves a gold star!
• Church family, friends, and real family have watched our kids whenever we need an emergency sitter. 
• People have brought meals to our house after births, deaths, sickness, new chapters of life beginning, etc... We have been well fed!
• Fellow teachers have graded papers, watched school kids, grabbed me a Diet Coke from Sonic "just because" or taken my lunch duty when I was SO pregnant I couldn't even waddle down the rows of tables.
• Just this morning I had a flat tire, no husband, no tire iron and a broken jack and a friend turned around on her way to school, came back and loaded me and my two kids in her van to take us to school and the sitter.  Now she gets to drive us back home!  (You're a jewel Suzanne!)
• Now I have an old church friend coming to my house tonight to fix my flat tire!

Honestly, my list could go on, and on, and on, and...well, you get the idea.  He is trying to teach me to step out of my comfort zone, help a friend in need without thinking of the inconveniece to my own schedule so my FRIENDS will know that they can always count on me, for sure.  Because that's what friends are for.

P.S.  I'm sorry if I'm taking a long time to learn this lesson.  I'll try to do better. 

I Want to Be Like Her

I'm slightly obsessed with this new blog I've found.  I admit it.  I'm a "bloggy". *chuckle, chuckle*

I've written a bunch about grace for mamas and this post just made me smile.  I wanted to go out and hug the first ones I could find and say "You're doing great!"

Read Lady With the Glasses and show a little grace today.

Loneliness...

It creeps in undetected. 

It nestles down deep, getting comfortable. 

It waits for the right moment to strike.

And when it does, you know it's been there the whole time.



This new feeling of loneliness is not my friend.  The sleepliness nights.  The dreams.  The shaky feeling inside.  The tears sitting just behind my eyelashes.  The stomach pain.  The knot in my throat.  The silent screams that reside in my head.

 In the room with 2 or 100 people, I still feel lonely.

With others who share their story of their own loss, I still feel lonely.

With others who truly want to help, I still feel lonely.

Especially when I turn out the lights and crawl in bed, I am wrapped in loneliness.

As I type this I know I sound crazy, ready for the institution really.  But I'm not.  I am finally grieving.  I grieve over the loss of a church home, my comfortable family unit, my job and my beloved mama.

Sometimes I stare blankly through people and don't even know it until it's time to add my two cents to the conversation and then I'm scrambling.  Sometimes I clench my teeth together so tightly my jaw hurts.  Sometimes I abruptly end conversations because I'm about to bust out into tears, and I'm not comfortable there.  Sometimes I so DESPERATELY need to talk, I call 14 people in a row just to say "Hi, umm...no, I didn't really need anything."

Nights are hard.  Church is hard.  Home is hard.  Riding in the car is hard.  Being together is hard.  Being apart is worse.

I remember saying just a few months ago how easy life has been for me.  Just like everyone, we've had our sad times.  When we lost our first baby in a miscarriage, I knew God was carrying me. He had a greater purpose. Truly, I have been able to lend an empathetic ear to other hurting mamas. My glass is always half full or better yet, overflowing.  But now I'm struggling.  I KNOW I'm still beyond blessed.  But that doesn't make it hurt any less.  In fact, I think it stings worse.  I'm used to happy.  I'm not callused.  Thankfully, my heart is pretty smooth.

I know He's carrying me now too.  It's just the process.  So, I wait.