Tuesday, March 26, 2013

We're Going on a Bear Hunt

Maybe it's a not a BEAR hunt, but I am hunting.  I'm hunting for "me".   

Side-bar:  I wouldn't really call this a mid-life crisis, as I'm only 30.  Maybe a mid-mid life crisis?

In the story, dad takes the kids for a trek through the woods to find a bear, chanting "we're not scared!" the whole way.  Along the way they run into obstacles...like the grass, then the forest, then a river, and they finally reach the cave...where they actually find the bear.  Now they run away from the bear back home.  I guess dad really never imagined they'd FIND one!

I have a million things on my plate right now...and I rarely feel like I'm doing any of them well (or at least at a 100%), but part of me yearns for the crafty, artsy, free side of me that I think is buried deep.

Just today I have made goals of sewing my girl some cute summer dresses after seeing some adorable items on blogs and uh-hmm, Pinterest. (Hello, my name is Kayla and I'm addicted to Pinterest).  In my head I said, "Oh man!  I can totally make that! And cheaper too!"  We'll see...I own a sewing machine so how hard can it be? :)  Obstacle #1...I own no patterns or REAL sewing skills.  Just what I've taught myself.

Just today I have been plotting my summer with my kiddos, telling myself I was finally going to be prepared for the day in and day out of being home with them again.   Obstacle #2...Mr. Kindergartener will be in Summer School for part of it.

Just today I have planned to do many wonderful and new things!  Obstacle #3...I have a million things on my plate right now...and I rarely feel like I'm doing any of them well (or at least at a 100%).  I know my house is not spic and span.  I know I have clothes that need to be washed (or rewashed...I think I left a load in the washer. :(  Ooops.)  I know I have papers to grade.  I know I need to...And the list goes on.

But part of me yearns for the crafty, artsy, free side of me that I think is buried deep.  Deep in that bear cave.

And my bear is there too...hibernating.  It's waiting to be jarred back to life.

I've seen other moms find their "bear in the cave" and I rejoice for them!  I want to find something I enjoy doing just for fun, maybe for others, maybe for my kids, maybe for my husband and maybe just for me.  They inspire me to pull up my bear hunting boots and set out on an adventure!  Oh, and like this dad, my kids are definitely coming with me on this adventure! 

I'm on a hunt for who I am and who I'd like to be. 

I don't plan on finding the "cave" tonight, or even tomorrow.

But hopefully I can awaken the bear soon. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Little Blessings

Today after school I stumbled upon a blog (I'm a blog junkie...).  I was on one blog reading a recipe for Pollo Fundido and happily planning our supper.  Over to the right I saw a link for "Praying for Jonah" with a precious little boy's picture.  I was intrigued so I clicked on it. 

I read about Jonah turning four and applauded their parenting skills to "raise up a child".  I read "Our Story" and smiled, cried and sighed deep sighs. 

I clicked on "EB's Sweeties" and found even more children or families effected by this painful disease, that five minutes before I had never heard of. 

My heart hurt for these parents and kids who suffer daily.  My head felt guilty for my "ho-hum, grouchy" day.  My arms ached for the hugs from my own precious ones waiting for my day to be done.

I thank God for my ornery babies that leave their toys everywhere, spill their drink on the freshly cleaned couch, who steal my phone from the charger before my alarm goes off and who smear grimy hand prints on my clothes....because they are here...healthy, happy, and energetic. 

Click here to read Jonah's story.
I, too, and praying for Jonah.  Won't you? 

Friday, March 1, 2013

One Year Anniversary

I remember the feeling of driving away from St. Mary's Hospital around this exact time with many emotions.  Mama had just passed away at 2:45 pm (Feb. 29th), with us all gathered around her ICU bed, holding hands and quietly getting to say our goodbyes.  The ICU nurse turned off her monitor and stood, almost invisible, as she silently turned down her oxygen level little by little.  We knew it would be quick, but we were shocked at just HOW quick our little wife, mama, grandma, sister and friend slipped from this life into the next.  We left the room while they prepared her to leave, returned to gain a few final moments with her and then packed up our belongings...all 2 weeks worth...and piled into cars.

So many emotions...I wanted to be strong for my kids and Daddy as we drove home.  I wanted to weep and wail over my mama's passing.  I wanted to rejoice that she was no longer lieing in a hospital bed hooked up to four chest tubes, a ventilator and whatever else they had run in her.  I wanted to scream at the cars happily zooming by when I felt like I was moving at a snail's pace.

More than anything, I wanted to scream.  It wasn't fair that the whole world kept turning when I wanted it to stand still.  Every person kept right on functioning and going about their business oblivious to my family's pain.

Even then, I knew how ridiculous I sounded.  How could the speeding car next to me know that my spirited mama just stepped into Heaven?  How could they know the hurt I was feeling so deeply?

But all that didn't really matter then.

Speed ahead 365 days...Today I fought that same urge to scream "Do you not know what today means to my family?" Of course the friendly cashier girl doesn't know.  Of course the talkative third graders didn't know.  I realize this.  And no, noeone got screamed at today. :)  

And just like a year ago, I cried.   Today I cried tears of remembrance.  Today I held back tears of gratitude as countless people remembered me as they walked by...some with unshed tears brimming in their eyes.   I've been labeled an avoider (I took a test...it's very accurate. ) :)  I avoid confrontation. I avoid uncomfortable situations.  I even avoid grief at times.  However, I gladly embrace the love and smiles from friends and family who understand our tough day, who has experienced themselves, and who just loved my mama like they love their own.

I do not write this to receive sympathy.  I am not "avoiding" sadness, just expressing my feelings and gratitude for those who have lifted my family in prayers over the last year.  I'm certain we can never express to you just how grateful we are for them.

Tonight, we will go to daddy's, cry a few tears over our loss but mainly rejoice in her healing and reward because it's what she would want.  She always said she just wanted her babies home with her. Tonight we'll all be home.  One day, we'll all join her in our Heavenly Home.

Look for me, mama.  For I will be there too. Click on the "look for me" to hear a song.