I remember the feeling of driving away from St. Mary's Hospital around this exact time with many emotions. Mama had just passed away at 2:45 pm (Feb. 29th), with us all gathered around her ICU bed, holding hands and quietly getting to say our goodbyes. The ICU nurse turned off her monitor and stood, almost invisible, as she silently turned down her oxygen level little by little. We knew it would be quick, but we were shocked at just HOW quick our little wife, mama, grandma, sister and friend slipped from this life into the next. We left the room while they prepared her to leave, returned to gain a few final moments with her and then packed up our belongings...all 2 weeks worth...and piled into cars.
So many emotions...I wanted to be strong for my kids and Daddy as we drove home. I wanted to weep and wail over my mama's passing. I wanted to rejoice that she was no longer lieing in a hospital bed hooked up to four chest tubes, a ventilator and whatever else they had run in her. I wanted to scream at the cars happily zooming by when I felt like I was moving at a snail's pace.
More than anything, I wanted to scream. It wasn't fair that the whole world kept turning when I wanted it to stand still. Every person kept right on functioning and going about their business oblivious to my family's pain.
Even then, I knew how ridiculous I sounded. How could the speeding car next to me know that my spirited mama just stepped into Heaven? How could they know the hurt I was feeling so deeply?
But all that didn't really matter then.
Speed ahead 365 days...Today I fought that same urge to scream "Do you not know what today means to my family?" Of course the friendly cashier girl doesn't know. Of course the talkative third graders didn't know. I realize this. And no, noeone got screamed at today. :)
And just like a year ago, I cried. Today I cried tears of remembrance. Today I held back tears of gratitude as countless people remembered me as they walked by...some with unshed tears brimming in their eyes. I've been labeled an avoider (I took a test...it's very accurate. ) :) I avoid confrontation. I avoid uncomfortable situations. I even avoid grief at times. However, I gladly embrace the love and smiles from friends and family who understand our tough day, who has experienced themselves, and who just loved my mama like they love their own.
I do not write this to receive sympathy. I am not "avoiding" sadness, just expressing my feelings and gratitude for those who have lifted my family in prayers over the last year. I'm certain we can never express to you just how grateful we are for them.
Tonight, we will go to daddy's, cry a few tears over our loss but mainly rejoice in her healing and reward because it's what she would want. She always said she just wanted her babies home with her. Tonight we'll all be home. One day, we'll all join her in our Heavenly Home.
Look for me, mama. For I will be there too. Click on the "look for me" to hear a song.
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